... or I have been spending too much time hanging out with
certain individuals... I haven't quite worked out which yet!!! Either way... here are some awful lightbulb jokes that have kept me entertained this afternoon... :-)
~~~~~
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
Q: How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5. One to incorrectly diagnose the problem, 2 to repeat the first rep's notes to the customer, and one to inform the customer that the lightbulb changing service is no longer available in that location.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn't too easy.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one.
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two - one to do it and one to cross the road.
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a lightbulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "light bulb".
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One--but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.
Q: How many QA testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just find them.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumour that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as "Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks 'What are you doing ?', and walks off. But if you have a dog, it's looking up at you and thinking 'Well, I dunno what you're doing, but I love you anyway.'
Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
Okay.... I'll go away and leave you alone now....
