1 The REAL Da Vinci Code...

namespace DVC
{
   class DaVinciCode : HolyBloodHolyGrail
   {
      // Set values, later to be overridden by Dan Brown method
      bool monksInOpusDei = false;
      bool jesusMarriedMaryMagdalene = false;
      bool existenceOfPrioryOfZion = false;
      bool bibleCollatedByConstantine = false;
      bool nicaeaCreatedDivinityOfChrist = false;
      bool gospelsLaterEditedToSupportClaims = false;

      bool cupMissingFromLastSupper = false;
      bool saintJohnNotInPicture = false;

      public void Book()
      {
         while (peopleWillingToBelieveAnything && christianBashingAcceptable)
         {
            bookSales++;
            movieHype++;
            danBrownsBankAccount++;
            historicalAccuracy--;
            artHistoryAccuracy--;
            skepticism--;
            badWriting++;

            if (asLongAsItIsNotTheVirginMary)
               divineFeminineSupport++;

            mainStreamMediaChallengeCredibility = false;
            string excuse = "It's a fictional book";
               string action = "Spend hours writing to debunking books complaining that " + excuse;
               bool seeContradictionSpendingTimeDefendingFiction = false;
               foreach (media outlet in mainStreamMedia)
               {
                  bool freePublicity = true;
                  bool notPointOutObviousFlaws = true;
                  bool dontOffendMuslimsAtAllCosts = true;
                  bool christianBashingOkayThough = true;
                  bool misrepresentOpusDei = true;
                  bool askIsJusticeScaliaAMember = true;
               }
            }
         }
      }
}

3 The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

1 10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."