3 Liturgical Anonymous

I don't know if any of you read the Curt Jester's blog... If you don't, you really should, it's hilarious! Anyway, I came across this on my travels, which really did make me 'LOL'... I've posted some parts of it below, but visit the site to read the whole thing.

Over the last century many support groups have arisen for substance abuse, alcohol abuse, and other addictions. But until now one much needed organization was missing. What about liturgiholics who abuse the liturgy? People drunk on power to change the liturgy in their parishes to their own visions divorced from liturgical history have had nowhere to turn to. That is until now.

Introducing Liturgical Anonymous (LA) an international, spiritually oriented community of liturgical abusers who meet in local groups to help each other end this destructive addiction to changing the liturgy as one wants. Liturgical Anonymous follows a 12 step program and not one of the steps are a dance step.

Once a liturgical change addict admits they have a problem they are ready for Liturgical Anonymous. My name is [Insert Name Here] and I am a liturgical abuser. Welcome you are on the road to recovery.

Many of our members also require help to throw off the vapidness of most modern liturgical music. Most find that a too rapid introduction to Gregorian Chant for instance is too much beauty to handle so quickly. Thus are program slowly weans them off of the music of Haugen-Daas with a drug equivalent of music Methadone. This drug with a high sugar content is slowly reduced over time to allow a tonal rearrangement in the subject. For priests we have a special program called "Seeing Red: Rubrics are your friends." With liturgical dancers we helped to teach them that the only acceptable dance at Mass is attendance.

Our headquarters for Liturgical Anonymous has a 24 hour hotline staffed by liturgical counselors. If you ever feel tempted to deviate from the norms give us a call and we will help you to overcome this temptation. Alcoholics can go cold turkey and avoid bars, but the liturgical abusers must learn to be attend the Mass with full, conscious and active prayerful participation without thinking how they would have done it different or how they would have redesigned the sanctuary.

Here are just some of the testimonial of successful members of Liturgical Anonymous:

I'm John [Last name withheld] the former clown altar server. I served at many Masses especially in the seventies. I saw no problem with it at the time and even served with priests also dresses as a clown. In Persona Bozo presented no theological difficulties for me. I thought I was just bringing joy to the people, I mean what could be wrong with that?

There is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a liturgical abuse problem. So why not join now before some parishioners stage an intervention.

Remember "Friends don't let friends abuse liturgy."

2 Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur

There was a post on DCF recently that reminded me of all the millions of Latin phrases I found a couple of years back... I had my Dominican friend (that's a Dominican priest, not someone from the Dominican Republic... Just in case any of you thought any different... ADRIAN!!!!) tortured with funny quotes I'd find online, and would regularly sneak one into my email signature at work to see how long it would take my boss (or our American colleagues) to notice it and comment on it... I used to have them all on my computer somewhere (WHICH computer is the problem!), but have no idea where they're at now. But I can still remember some of my favourites...

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes
(If you can read this, you're overeducated)

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
(If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!)

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur
(Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.)

Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua.
(The only good language is a dead language.)

Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare
(Well, if you don't understand plain Latin, I'm not going to dirty my hands on you)

Certe, toto, sentio nos in kansate non iam adesse )
(You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore

Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?
(Do you by chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?)

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum
(Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe)

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus
(Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries)

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
(May barbarians invade your personal space!)

si in animis habeatis scidam latrinariam in domo mea ponere, vosmet rogate si possitis velocius currere quam saxum quod vadit cum celeritate nonaginta milia passuum per horam
(If you’re thinking of putting toilet paper on my house, ask yourself if you can outrun a ninety-mile-an-hour rock.)

audite: modo de colosseo rationem interfectorum recentissimam cognovi- Leonibus triginta duo Chrisitanis nihil clepsydra addita ad spatium mortis subitae
(Listen: I just got the latest score from the Colosseum- Lions 32, Christians 0, in a sudden-death overtime!)

Of course, most of these can be found in Henry Beard's books...


And speaking of Latin, I was just commenting to Éamonn last week, how after 3 years of studying Latin at school, all I can remember is one of the first sentences from our first year text book, which was "Cornelia est puella Romana quae in Italia habitat..."

And speaking of Éamonn... (Hehe! This is where I get my own back...) At his invite, myself and my friend (who some of you DCF-ers would know as Norwegianblue) went down to Dublin last Friday for the Stations of the Cross and the Solemn Liturgy of Good Friday in St Audoen's Church, which was, by all accounts, really powerful stuff. The music was incredible, with Allegri's Miserere being a highlight for me... (You can read more about it on his blog)

Anyway. I had asked Éamonn, when getting directions to St Audoen's, "Is it possible to avoid the city centre?", seeing as I had this great phobia of driving in Dublin City Centre... To which I was told "Yes, just about." Not realising that this was a very precise truth, and St Audoen's was, oh, a whole QUARTER OF A MILE from Dublin City Centre (!!!), I therefore decided to drive! In hindsight of course, it was a very good call, as I probably would have not gone, and therefore missed the whole thing (plus as an added bonus, I'm not quite as terrified of driving down there now... but not quite ready for O'Connell Street just yet!)... But I have now learned that if I am ever going to ask Éamonn anything ever again, to listen very carefully to his response and not to leave anything open for interpretation!!!

Wow. This has actually been a proper post after all... That wasn't my intention... Hang on and I'll go back and delete it!

2 Which airline...

A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself,
"Okay, she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the h*ll do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
"Ahhhhh, Easy Jet!"

1 Where do pets come from....

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't give a sh** one way or the other.

1 As we head towards Holy Week....

I'd like to share with you a poem by Steve Stockman that I've always found particularly striking at this time of year...

do not remind me

lord do not help me to remember
that which i have heard so often
because reminding me would soften the wonder.
instead help me see it afresh
like i have never seen it before
let me look at it for the first time
not forewarned about the next part
help me believe that he might not die
that the disciples might rescue him
that pilate might be strong
that the crowds might shout "crucify barabas".
let me hear the hammer come down
let me hear the sound of nail through flesh
let me hear the cry of pain
let me sense the distress
let me watch as they put the cross in the ground
let me look on his face contorted with pain
ugly with the agony and the torture
of suffocation one moment
and then the crippling ache of pushing himself up on those nails to breathe
let me see the sky go black
let me hear him cry
"father forgive them for they no not what they do"
"it is finished"
let me watch as they carry him off dead.
surely dead and without hope of recovery.
let me feel that despair, that loss, that tragedy.
let me weep and mourn
for hope that's murdered
and dreams that lie in a tomb.

then lord, without reminding me
without indication of the wonder
take me to that tomb
let me be surprised and confused
at the stone rolled away
let me be angry at the thought of his body stolen
let me go inside to look, to seek some clue
and then let me turn to see him
let me not believe it for a moment
and then give me the full hurricane force of belief
let me jump and shout and scream for joy
let my heart leap and my soul go running off to highest heaven
with a little glimpse of what blinds the saints
do not remind me but let me experience it for the first time
sin forgiven, redemption bought, freedom won
the amazing wonder of the gospel that calls me a child of god
no lord do not remind me
for that would be as dull as knowing the end of the movie
having read the last page of the book
show me for the first time and let it change my life

4 Bug in blog...

I got this in an email the other day, entitled "Bug in email..."
Thought I'd share!



I suppose its a bit like the Lionel Rich-Tea one that was going about a few years ago...



... or the "amazing picture of a sea horse"...

0 Lenten Reflections on EWTN

For all of you who have EWTN, check out the Lenten reflections that they will have on every Sunday throughout Lent. They've been produced by a friend of mine, who runs a media apostolate called St Brendan's Communications. These programmes promise to be very good, and this Sunday, the reflection will be given by Fr Owen Gorman, who is a fantastic priest. Check them out! The times for your area should be given on the EWTN website.

2 Especially for Pancake Tuesday....

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

1 To all my single friends...

... happy Glow Basking day..... where we bask in the glow of having not settled down with the wrong person!

Never listen to all those ridiculously happily married/dating/whatever people... It's sooooo overrated! Being single is cool! There's miiiiiiilllions of reasons why being single is sooooo much better... Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiooons....

Uhh, if you can think of any, could you let me know?

2 There's no accounting for taste...

... It's hard to believe that this CD is actually for real....

As one reviewer put it, "I STILL am having trouble getting this out of my head, I'm considering therapy."




Though this just sums it up perfectly.... "Just wrong, just terribly wrong."

5 For Catholics Only!

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.
The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words most Catholics can recognize besides gyros & baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by medical insurance. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who've gone to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

2 Firefox ad...

Thought it was funny! :)

3 New Catholic!

Just thought I'd share a couple of photos of the new Catholic in the family....



Tiring work, isn't it!!

5 The Duck

OK, I can't think of anything particularly interesting to write about today... so when in doubt, go for another joke!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?.
"Yes"
"That place with the big tent?".
"Yeah"
"With all the animals?".
"Of Course"
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?".

22 FREE CHOCOLATE.....

.... if you sign my blog!!!!!!!!

4 The Muppets!!

1 A few jokes...

Was cleaning up my email and found some jokes. Thought I'd post them...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saints Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.

St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to His education?"

8 TLM

My housemates and I just recently attended our first ever Traditional Latin Mass on Saturday. It really was something else! The timing couldn't have been better, either, as I had just found this website, www.latinmassireland.org, and was thinking I'd love to go to one.

It was a really special experience, and I can't wait for the next one! I was a little confused at times, but wasn't as lost as I thought I would be. It really drove home the fact that the Mass is Jesus' prayer to the Father, and the whole sacrifice aspect. The Mass isn't there for us to "get" anything out of it... And I was reminded of that so beautifully on Saturday.

Unfortunately there are no regular indult Masses in our parish, or even our diocese, but hopefully as people start expressing more of an interest, this will be something that will be started.

6 OK, so...

I guess I'll have to think of something to put down here....

Right. Well. Recently I've been helping my brother work on our family tree, which is all very interesting. We've been finding out all sorts of mad things about the family! I'll be interviewing my Grandmother this weekend, which will be pretty interesting -- her and her family lived through the Belfast Blitz during World War II. This is a pretty good site that I've been looking at too... Especially reading some of the old newspaper articles from the 1800's onwards.

OK, will that do for a first "proper" post?! Interesting enough???

0 Hmmm...

Interesting how it isn't just email that's a target for spammers!! I got 8 comments telling me my blog was "inquisitive", "cool" and "terrific".... after my "Ummm" post.... Ummmm.... ok!