1 The REAL Da Vinci Code...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008
namespace DVC
{
   class DaVinciCode : HolyBloodHolyGrail
   {
      // Set values, later to be overridden by Dan Brown method
      bool monksInOpusDei = false;
      bool jesusMarriedMaryMagdalene = false;
      bool existenceOfPrioryOfZion = false;
      bool bibleCollatedByConstantine = false;
      bool nicaeaCreatedDivinityOfChrist = false;
      bool gospelsLaterEditedToSupportClaims = false;
      bool cupMissingFromLastSupper = false;
      bool saintJohnNotInPicture = false;

      public void Book()
      {
         while (peopleWillingToBelieveAnything && christianBashingAcceptable)
         {
            bookSales++;
            movieHype++;
            danBrownsBankAccount++;
            historicalAccuracy--;
            artHistoryAccuracy--;
            skepticism--;
            badWriting++;

            if (asLongAsItIsNotTheVirginMary)
               divineFeminineSupport++;

            mainStreamMediaChallengeCredibility = false;
            string excuse = "It's a fictional book";
               string action = "Spend hours writing to debunking books complaining that " + excuse;
               bool seeContradictionSpendingTimeDefendingFiction = false;
               foreach (media outlet in mainStreamMedia)
               {
                  bool freePublicity = true;
                  bool notPointOutObviousFlaws = true;
                  bool dontOffendMuslimsAtAllCosts = true;
                  bool christianBashingOkayThough = true;
                  bool misrepresentOpusDei = true;
                  bool askIsJusticeScaliaAMember = true;
               }
            }
         }
      }
}

3 The Perfect Husband

Thursday, March 06, 2008
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

1 10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

and the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

1 Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine...

Friday, February 22, 2008
... et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Requiescant in pace. Amen.

I was very shocked and saddened to hear of the death of Professor Thomas A. F. Kelly. Please pray for the happy repose of his soul and also for his wife, mother, friends and family, for comfort in this time of grief.

4 Miserere Mei, Deus...

Wednesday, February 06, 2008
I spotted this posted on a couple of other blogs this morning, and, as our Lenten journey begins this year, I thought it only fitting that I should post it here also.





Here is Wikipedia's entry on the background of Allegri's Miserere (Psalm 51), along with the text and translation.

I absolutely love this. I first heard it on an album I had on my iPod that I took to listening to at 3 in the morning when our neighbours were having parties and playing really rubbish music and, just in general, keeping me awake when I had to go to work the next morning... I found that by the end of the first track or two, I was able to go back to sleep... It was like falling asleep surrounded by angels. :-) I've loved it even more since hearing the Lassus Scholars when in Dublin last year for the Solemn Liturgy of Good Friday -- something I hope to repeat this year, of course.

Anyway. I hope you all have a very blessed Lent. In the words of the Psalm... "Cor mundum crea in me, Deus: et spiritum rectum innova in visceribus meis."

"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

2 I posted this last year...

Tuesday, February 05, 2008
But hey! It's good!!! ;-)
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman.
"Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

4 In 9 months...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Nine months from today (plus about an hour) will be 30th October -- the day that I get married to the love of my life. He himself reckons I'm mad, but, at the risk of repeating myself, it is by far the most sane decision I've ever made! So there you go!

So, we're getting married. And, as Éamonn would say, I read it on the internet so it must be true!!

For anyone who is interested in knowing the wheres and whens of the big day, we have a wedding website where we are planning on putting all that kind of info...

And for pretty TLM related wedding pics (from, well, not our wedding, obviously!), you can look here!

(Ok now... back to work for me...)

0 A little fundraising appeal...

Monday, January 28, 2008
... from my friend Matt!

He's leading a sponsored 50 mile walk with a group of 12 young people to raise money to attend World Youth Day in Sydney this July. Here is the site where you can sponsor him: www.justgiving.com/mattvand... He's got a way to go yet before he reaches his target, after which he promises to do the whole thing in fancy dress! Knowing that this is a sight I would love to behold (he also promises photographic evidence!), I figured I'd plug his fundraising appeal on my blog... So here we are. Dig deep, guys!! ;-)


Dear Esteemed Friends and Family,

As you may know already, or might have heard from somebody else - I don't like walking. Or exercise in general.

And I particularly don't like walking in excess.

Such is the persuadability-factor that I have, though, for a group of young people, that I have been duped into leading (yea, leading) a sponsored 50-mile walk up the Grand Union Canal from Aylesbury to Northampton on the weekend of the 1st / 2nd March 2008, stopping only to sleep on the salubrious floor of a Milton Keynes Concrete Church.

I'll be walking alongside 12 teenagers and young adults, with my personal intention to raise £1500 to contribute to a life-changing experience for them. In July of this year (provided they've raised enough money), we'll be heading down under to Sydney to represent Northamptonshire, Bedfordshire and Buckinghamshire at the international 'World Youth Day' (which is actually a deceptive name, it being 2 weeks long), where they'll be meeting with over a million other young people from around the world. Here, they'll learn first-hand about what it's like to be from different cultures and different backgrounds, and we'll be leading them through a practical process to become positive advocates for change in their local communities back here in the UK.

As part of the social responsibility that we are exploring with them, they have opted to also give 10% of any money that you donate to a youth empowerment project in Eritrea - one of the poorest and most oppressed regimes in the world. We have a reliable local contact in Keren, Eritrea, who will be ensuring that the money we donate will go directly towards establishing sports and education projects within their diocese, giving young people there a new sense of dignity and interconnectedness. Young people in Eritrea would not be allowed to leave the country to go to something like World Youth Day, but we hope this would be a first step towards a partnering relationship and exchange programme between our UK young people and those in Keren.

I'd be most grateful if you would consider sponsoring me in my quest to support this really valuable and inspirational group of youngsters as they learn what it means to be citizens of the global community. If you would like to do so, you can donate online via my webpage at www.justgiving.com/mattvand, or alternatively, you can send a cheque (made payable to 'NYMO', unfortunately) to: 37 Hivings Park, Chesham, Bucks, HP5 2LF, where I'll be able to get in touch with you with a gift-aid declaration to complete if you pay tax in the UK.

As you will read on my page, if I exceed my target of £1500, I'll do the whole thing in fancy dress, and be sure to post photos for all my supporters to use as leverage in years to come...

Thanks for taking the time to give this some thought, and please don't feel under any obligation to donate - your sympathy and understanding of my pain is just as important!

Any questions or further queries, give me a shout - otherwise, I'll keep you posted in the run-up to (and fallout from) the weekend itself.

Yours, as ever,

Sporty-Matt

0 Meme from Therese

Monday, January 21, 2008
I was tagged by Therese over at the Aussie Coffee Shop... so here goes!


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE ?
Contrary to popular belief, I was NOT named after a certain character in Star Wars (it is a completely different NAME, people!!!)... My mum's friend heard the name, liked it, passed it on.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
This evening

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Not hugely.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
That really nice ham from Super Valu in Dean's Grange!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Nope.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hmm. Maybe!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
All the time!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
After that abseil??? You've GOT to be kidding....

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
On occasion I would get cravings for Honey Loops.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
My shoes? Yes. My trainers? No!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Not particularly, no... :-)

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Without a doubt, Brennan's homemade ice cream!! But if I'm nowhere near there, then Dale Farm Raspberry Ripple.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hmmmm.... I don't know!! :-s

15. RED OR PINK?
Red. Or, more accurately, NOT pink!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF?
The fact that I can get sooooo worked up about something so tiny and not be able to let it go for ages, even though I know it's silly in the grand scheme of things.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Usually Éamonn. Unless he's right in front of me! (Is that a bunny I can smell boiling in the background?!)

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
By pants, I am assuming you mean trousers!!! :-P Jeans... and no shoes at the moment.

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Tiramisu!

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The fan on my laptop

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Blue

22. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Éamonn's aftershave! And freshly baked bread buns... :-)

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Éamonn. (He's featuring a lot in this!)

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Sports?? HA!

25. HAIR COLOR?
That's debatable. ;-)

26. EYE COLOR?
Blue

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No

28. FAVORITE FOOD?
Hmm. At the minute I'm finding it very hard to decide between chocolate, strawberries (but not strawberries and chocolate together), my fiancé's homemade pizza, Mrs Hicks' sausages, and my future mother-in-law's bread buns. (Can you tell I'm on a diet right now?!?!)

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Terminal

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Navy

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both?

34. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Strawberry Pavlova

35. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Second Glance by Jodi Picoult

36. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My mouse

37. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Charade. GREAT movie!

38. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
Ummmm..... ???

39. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles

40. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Melbourne

41. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Not really

42. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Northern Ireland


Okay, I tag Éamonn (as always! -- Though I'm reckoning he'll probably not get the chance to respond any time soon, so never worry about it!), Dana, and anyone else who feels like considering themselves tagged.

1 Especially for Carole... :-)

A Guide to Driving in Ireland


1. Indicators will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with LM, CN or KE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

12. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

3 Another light bulb joke...

Friday, January 11, 2008
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

4 Peace...

Friday, December 21, 2007
We could all use a little peace at Christmas... Here is something I was sent in an email a while back, which I just came across yesterday... I hope it's helpful, especially at this time of year, which can be very hectic and chaotic for some.

Wishing you all a very peaceful Christmas. :-)

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. It really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, You're smiling already.

1 Blog Blessing Award




I got a Blog Blessing Award from Dana.... Thanks, Dana! :-)

Here is the blessing that Dana bestowed upon me...



You can go here to read about the blogging blessings that were started by Deb at Ukok.

The idea… it’s a game of tag with a difference, rather than looking inwardly, we look outside ourselves and bless, praise and pray for 3 blog friend. By participating in this endeavour we not only make the recipient of the blessing feel valued and appreciated, but we are having some fun too. We’re going to see how far the bloggin’ blessings can travel around the world and how many people can be blessed! Recipients of a bloggin’ blessing may upload the above image to their sidebar if they choose to. If you recieve a bloggin’ blessin’ please leave a comment on this thread here so that we can rejoice in just how many blessings have been sent around the world!


I want to bless the following bloggers:


1: Éamonn from Peregrinus Hibernensis

Éamonn has been an incredible blessing to me throughout this last year and has made me the happiest and most blessed girl on the face of the planet... So, naturally I want to bless him!! I might do something a bit more concrete than posting it on my blog though... Oh, if I could only think of what to do... ;-)


2: Dana from Umm, where am I?
(It doesn't say you can't bless the person who blessed you!!)

Dana has been amazing over the last couple of years and has been a wonderful support through my aunt's death and all sorts of other trials. She's always been at the other end of an email, or rather, a "PM" on DCF, with advice, prayers, laughs, hugs... just whatever is needed at that time! And she does happen to have two of the cutest children I've ever seen in my life...


3: Margreet from Margreat's Blog

Margreet is one of my dearest friends, and I want to bless her because:
(a) she's been a huge blessing to me over the last few years,
(b) she's had a rough year and I think she could certainly do with the blessing!! and
(c) it's an excuse to see her update her blog!!!
Seriously though, I consider Margreet to be one of my "nearest and dearest", and I still haven't quite gotten over the fact that she isn't as near as she used to be, now that she's not in Belfast anymore. :-( This girl is one of the few individuals out there who really has the knack of making me quite literally "LOL" when I'm really down. She's had her fair share of practice, in all fairness! ;-)


A prayer for Éamonn, Dana and Margreet...

Lord I thank You for all You give to me. I especially thank You for the friendship I receive from Éamonn, Dana and Margreet. I pray Your blessing on all of them everyday. Grant them strength, peace and joy. For they let You bless me with these things through them every day.

GLORIA Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum. Amen.

2 An Irish Ghost Story

Monday, December 10, 2007
I got this from a friend and thought I would share.....


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come toward him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look, Paddy... there's that flipping idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"

1 Smells & Bells!

Friday, December 07, 2007
I spotted this over on Fr Z's blog... who in turn got it from The Roman Sacristan!

"Smells & Bells"
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Processing into church
It’s the TLM today
Doing liturgy right
Chanting all the way (Glo-ri-a!)
Bells at the sanctus ring
Raising our spirits high
Oh how great to have Mass and tradition back in line!

Smells & Bells
Smells & Bells
Liberals cough and fuss
Oh what fun it is to serve in cassock and surplice
Smells & Bells
Smells & Bells
Hippies start to fume
Thanks to the 16th Benedict for Summorum Pontificum!

3 8 Random Facts Meme

Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I have been tagged by Ivar over at Musings on the Divine...

... Here’s what you do:
~ Each person starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves and post these guidelines.
~ At the end of the post, choose 8 people to be tagged and list their names.
~ Don’t forget to leave a comment telling them that they are tagged and to read your blog. Have fun!

1. I have a degree in computer science and work in IT, though I have virtually no interest in it and haven't a clue how to fix a printer...

2. I'm a fussy eater who won't eat things that I don't like the look, smell or thought of... and I think peanut butter is eeeeeeevil.... I do love chocolate, however. Lots.

3. When I was younger, my favourite foods were apple and Mars Bar sandwiches (don't knock it until you've tried it!) and banana sandwiches. However, bananas have since headed the same direction as peanut butter.

4. I have a wonderful collection of books that I have never read and will probably never get around to reading. I always insist I am not going to buy another book until I've read the ones I've got, but that never happens. ;-)

5. I am a total coffee snob. I absolutely hate instant coffee -- only ground coffee will do! If I am in a café, or even at someone's house, and am not sure if the coffee is going to be instant or not, I will order tea rather than take my chances. In saying that, since meeting Éamonn, I've turned into a bit of a tea snob too... Earl Grey tea leaves all the way!!!

6. Every time I eat a bag of crisps or a bar of chocolate or anything like that, I always fold the wrapper up into a little square. I don't know why, but I've been doing that since I was in my teens and the world just doesn't seem right if I don't!!

7. I'm claustrophobic and tend to get rather upset with people invading my personal space when in busy places, like shopping for example, especially when I'm tired. I get really cold when I'm tired, too. Actually, it's probably best you just stay out of my way altogether when I'm tired, lol! Unless your name is Éamonn and I am engaged to you, of course.

8. I am really looking forward to spending Christmas with my wonderful fiancé... (I'm looking forward even more to spending next Christmas with my husband...) :-D

I tag:
Éamonn (now that was totally unexpected!)
Lilder (who has probably been tagged already!)
Bonaventure (who hasn't even GOT a blog!)
The DCF blog ring (if there is anyone left that hasn't yet been tagged by someone else)

8 people is a bit optimistic, hehe!

P.S. I've just noticed that half of my answers are about food or drink... Hmmm... I don't have an obsession, honest!! I'm just a bit hungry right now... ;-)

6 Hmmmm......

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

3 For my millions of American readers out there....

Wednesday, November 21, 2007
... I know I'll forget to post this tomorrow, so thought I would get it in a bit early...

Happy Thanksgiving.









3 Running away

Friday, November 16, 2007
Thanks to the Curt Jester, I now have this running through my head again....



1 The rejected mysteries

I spotted this over on the Shrine of the Holy Whapping...

ROME (HWTN News)--One of the Shrine's moles at the Vatican recently leaked to me a truly extraordinary document from the Congregation for Divine Worship, which indicates that in the lead-up to the unveiling of the Luminous Mysteries towards the end of Pope John Paul II's reign, the CDW's Consumer Rights section beta-tested a number of alternatives to the Pope's proposal. This in itself should be no surprise; the mysteries of the Rosary, along with the stations of the Cross, have historically been rather fluid in content and in number, while the CDW's careful supervision of new Vatican products is well-known after the massive recall of the '04 cherry-flavored "Hieroymus Bosch Blend" incense after the main stock had been secretly adulterated with hallucinogens as a protest by an anarcho-syndicalist guerilla theater group.*

Experts remark that the Luminous Mysteries won out with good reason. But it's still fascinating to see what might have been and why it got rejected. One set, the Parabolic Mysteries, was thought to sound too mathematical, though it dealt with Christ's various parables, some of which themselves proved to be problematic. The Mystery of the Parable of the 99 Sheep and the 1 Lost unfortunately put most test-subjects to sleep given Fr. Cantalamessa's suggestion they pray by counting each one, while the Mystery of the Divine Childhood, based on various apocryphal accounts of Christ's early years featuring Jesus smiting playground bullies and the like, made, in the words of one, "Our Lord seem a bit too much like Damien from The Omen." Researchers soon afterwards discovered the proposed Mystery of the Blue Carbuncle came not from sacred history but the Sherlock Holmes canon, and the whole section on the Father Brown Mysteries seems to have been a long and involved joke on the part of the compiler of the report.

Some mysteries also seemed, like the 99 Sheep, a bit too dull. Take for instance, the proposed Tedious Mysteries: 1: the Child Jesus stars in His School's Hannukah Pageant; 2: The Child Jesus is asked by Mary to take out the Garbage and Doesn't Complain, 3: Joseph hits his thumb with a hammer but does not say his golf words despite a furious desire to do so, 4: Our teenaged Lord suffers silently as Our Lady and St. Joseph show His friends all those embarassing baby pictures and 5: the Child Jesus is teased by playground bullies for being dressed like the Infant of Prague. The problem here is when you are dealing with a family in which the baby is God, the mom is sinless and the dad may well have never committed a sin of his own accord, there isn't too much drama to work with, barring the introduction of a Jewish Eddie Haskell character, and no such archetype appears in the Protoevangelium of James.

Now, if you must excuse me, it's Thursday and we all know that means it's time for a recitation of the Fourth Glutinous Mystery: Our Lord Feeds the 5,000 with Kosher Cinnabons.

*Supposedly Cardinal Arinze knew something was wrong when he attended a solemn high mass where the Gospel, solemnly intoned, began, "In illo tempore, dicite Iesus, Viiiiiiiiiirrrrr..." (Literally: At that time Jesus said: Duuuuuuuuude.")

Thanks to Dawn Eden for providing the idea!